"I Like Sleeping With You AND Daddy Best"

I am a sold out, 100% attachment style parent. My daughter cosleeps with me whenever she chooses and will until she no longer has that need. I'm sold on cosleeping, it doesn't make a bit of sense to me that adults choose to sleep together but our children are expected to sleep alone. I love that my daughter flits back and forth during the night, snuggling up with me and then throwing an arm or two over her daddy. I love that she knows we are there are that we are parenting her and connecting during sleep hours too.

And now her daddy and I are not sleeping together all the time and will probably not be sleeping together in the future. We were talking about moving and changes during lunch (note to self: time to limit these talk in front of her at least until it is time to act on them) when she made the statement that started this post.

I know it's a transient need. I know it might not even be an issue. I know there are things that are going to be lost and other things that are going to be gained. But it Breaks My Heart.

I don't want to disrupt her life. I don't want this at all! I do want to go hide in the quiet and cry.

One step forward, one step back. Only it's hard to measure the steps sometimes.

What People Said When I Said "I'm Gay"

These statements have been so varied and shocking and touching and weird that I realized I needed to make a list. So here you have it. I do understand that people's initial reaction is just that, it's initial and maybe quite different than what they would have preferred to say. But still . . . :)

1. I don't understand a thing you're saying.

2. I love you!

3. I had a crush on you in college but you were married so I didn't want to say anything. (a guy)

4. You lied to me. I don't know how John is going to deal with this.

5. Oh, Josephine, I am SO happy for you! (a straight friend)

6. Are you sure?

7. How do you know?

8. I thought maybe.

Put It In Low Gear and Rock It

I told John tonight that I want our family to be intact when this is all over.  It's not going to look like what it looks like now, divorce eventually is more than a possibility.  We've agreed that The Small One needs us both, close and closely involved in her life.  It doesn't matter what our family looks like to anyone else, we're committed to giving the Girl what she needs.  And it's going to be so much work.

And John reminded me that I know how to get out when I get stuck. You put the truck in low gear and you rock it.  As he said, you can't be scared of letting it fall back a bit even though it feels like you're losing all progress.  You're just getting a running start on the next go.

And, sometimes, you really do have to call in another truck with a winch.  I'm going to have to call about counseling.  I told him I've been hurting myself.

‎"It shows greater strength of character to make changes in your life despite the worry of hurting others than it does to do nothing and continue hurting yourself."

I did it.

I sent a Facebook message to my Bestest Female Friend.  I have Facebook problems, I use it to do most of my communicating, and we're both introverts so a phone call would have been terribly painful.  I'll wait now.  I hope this goes ok.  I really need her.  Now I'm just scared.  I love you, Friend.  Please don't cry.

Oh god, I'm sorry.  I'm so so sorry.

John Shore on LGBTQ Nation

I posted this link on Facebook yesterday with the following caption - "When a child (or an adult) feels like the people in his or her life would be happier if they were dead than gay we've done something very very wrong. You've made your point."  What I didn't say is that I've felt that way, recently and often.

Christians and the Blood of Jamey Rodemeyer

The beginning of the end . . .

I keep meaning to write and realizing that I should have started writing already.  Now I'll just write.

Who I've Told
1. My Mom - The one I should have started writing before I told, but really my brother told her after my nephew told him.  But she didn't believe him.  Which really is no different now that I think about it, because she doesn't believe me.

2. My Daughter - She's five. 

3.  My Sisters - Rock on, fierce women.  It's good to have them on my side.

4.  Random Neighbors and Gas Station Attendants - I also make out in my front yard occasionally.

5.  My Daughter's Drum Teacher, Jake - I should make up a name for him.  Jill says he doesn't count because a lot of chicks refer to their female friends as their "girlfriend".  I think he can figure it out.  And if saying "my girlfriend" doesn't count what am I going to have to say???

6.  My Brother -  See "My Mom" above

7.  Rick From Fundy College - He was being nice, I told him I am gay.  It was weird.  And good.

8.  My Ex Professor's Wife From Fundy College - Best coming out story yet.  Remind me to tell you sometime.

Who Doesn't Know
1.  My Bestest Female Friend - I'm chicken.  I should tell her soon, too many random people know for her not to know.  I'm afraid she won't talk to me about her vagina anymore.

2.  My Other Friend I Should Tell - I love her and want her to know.  She believes acting on homosexuality is a sin.  I think.

3.  My InLaws - I don't see that happening anytime soon.